Having a child raises some challenging questions about how we, as parents, can make sense of the world to her as she grows. A colleague, I learned the other day, went to great lengths to shield his children from those aspects of society he abhors. They lived at home when at university, for example. I am sure there are other things he stopped them doing.
I can understand his motication. In a large city like London, every secret that life has to offer is laid bare. I am often struck by how completely unconnected lives there are within the capital, with people sharing the same spaces but their worlds colliding infrequently, and often unnoticeably. I know that I could walk less than 30 metres from where I am typing now and be exposed to radically different circumstances. I also know that I would not want my daughter to be socialised in such an environment. But such is the city that these spaces co-exist, and only rarely conflict.
The plurality of these existences is well known, and well studied. For me, Dickens explored this theme - what happens when individuals from one of London's many worlds pass into or acros another – repeatedly. Today, the barriers are less obvious, but they exist. Still, I am not sure if it is possible or desirable to try and hide these realities from a child. If anything, it is the revelation of the brutality of another's life that can shape our own character in very positive ways. Trying to prohibit exposure to these facts (for this is what they are) may seem the right thing to do, but I feel it is ultimately a very narrowing act, not unlike pretending that all revealed truth can be found in a particular book.
This takes me to a question I haven't resolved, which is how to balance prohibitive actions (i.e. don't take drugs) with educative parenting (i.e. this is what may happen if you take drugs). Perhaps it is foolish to seek to resolve it at this time. Conversely, on the assumption that there is no right answer in parenting - simply some answers that are better, or perhaps less worse, than others - it is worth balancing the pros and cons now.
Before becoming a parent I was firmly on the side of allowing people to make mistakes, as long as they were aware of the consequences of their own actions. So, those who smoke are welcome to do so as I cannot possibly imagine how such a person could be unaware of the consequences of this habit. I am less certain about obesity resulting from a poor diet. It seems to me that the food industry does its very best to disguise the consequences of its products, particularly those processed foods it sells to the poorest in our society. As such, I have little sympathy for those who argue that the obese are solely to blame.
The danger as I see it with prohibitive parenting is that it constricts the development of those critical faculties which are essential to leading a healthy and fulfilled life. If I say "no" to my daughter, I feel it is incumbent upon me to explain why. Does this mean I should I encourage dissent? My instinct is to allow challenge, as long as she understands that her ability to do so is very much predicated on her ability to combine reason and experience in a constructive way. If it is to be drugs, therefore, she had better have better reasons than mine as to why I would argue they are ultimately futile and destructive (whatever benefits they may have, and let us not pretend there are none).
At some point in my life I expect to start learning things from my daughter. I wonder how many years it will be before I am prohibited from wearing x, or watching y? It is certain to happen, but when it does I shall make sure to ask for the reasons!
